When I Grow up I Will Want you.

For example:hahaha!

HUG-WHORE

This is an open letter to my future boyfriend/flame/fling/fiance/husband or whatever you may call it:

Dear You, (for lack of a better name hihi)

  You are one lucky son of a bitch exclamation point!!!

   Imagine bagging me, the last girl standing. Either you are one lucky son of a bitch, or you've done something really good in your past life to earn this good karma like feed the people of Somalia, or you just didn't know what really hit you. Ha-ha!

   So I'm in my room bored outta my wits and I had to decide between popping my zit or writing you a letter. The first one was really gross and painful so I decided to write you instead (yes, writing you a cheesy letter isn't gross and painful-just one degree less than that.) So I decided to write this just to inform you how lucky you are, to warn you of the days to come, to tell you who i am ,and who i am not and just how lonely your life could be without me to fill up your days and even your nights. Yes, that's how you spell Confidence.M-E. Me, honey, all me.

   You are lucky because:

1. I am not ugly. Not gorgeous, just not ugly. Simple as that.
2. I have a brain. I'm not brilliant, I just happen to talk some sense. You know, not just a one-liner jejemon talk, but a complete sentence with a subject-verb agreement even my grade school teacher can really be proud of.
3. I read. I am the way I am now because I read a lot when I was growing up. From Sweet Valley High, to Komiks to law books, yep, I read. Well, I'm not exactly rich in experience but the things I learned, I learned them through reading. Would you care to strike a conversation with me? Oh honey, don't worry we can politics and Piolo Pascual in the same breath.
4. I run. I care for my body because I want to look and feel good about myself, and for you. I don't want you to be looking somewhere else when I talk to you. I want you to look me in the eye, not look into someone else's breasts. Well, ok fine you can look at someone else's headlights because mine aren't exactly huge, just try not to feel someone else's breasts for that matter would you?
5. I don't like malls, I hate shopping. Well, ok hypocrisy and all. I hate shopping just because I don't have shopping money and I am loathe to think that I can stand there lost in the sea of LV's and Chanel's and my head would throb from the pain of not buying anything!  But, but when I do have money I still hate shopping just because I just do.
6. But I love doing the grocery. I love grocery stores. It's a total turn-on, pardon the French hihi! When I was a kid I've always wanted to own a grocery store where I can play both the role of a cashier and security guard. I like the security and the comfort the grocery store gives me like I'd never ever go hungry. Aaaah, you say that's mendicant psychology. Maybe it is, oh but you love that about me!
7. I am funny. Which, by the way made me fall in love with you because you're funny too. But sometimes my humor borders on the sarcastic, so pardon me if I throw biting remarks at you. Think of it this way, foreplay baby! Kidding.
8. I write. And I promise you I'm gonna write you often. I'm gonna send you BBM's, text messages, email, YM about the most mundane, absurd things like how I like it when you smile for me, like how I love it when you put your hands on the small of my back proprietarily, like how I love it when the sun hits your hair. I'm gonna put letters in the most unexpected places just for you, and you can betcha my ass some letters will even make you blush. Ugh, are you scared? Now, I'm stalking haha!
9. You're lucky I don't cook because if I did I'm pretty sure you'd be really fat by now. Ha-ha! Fine, I thought I can get away with not cooking for you. I'm gonna learn-learn to cook the best dish God intended a woman to serve a man: ADOWBOW!  (no pun intended.) :)
10. I'm charming. If your Mom doesn't approve of me ,(but of course she will!) but in case she doesn't I will charm my way into her heart. If she still can't fall in love with me, well, she can go screw herself. I still want you though.
11. I have a brother who I take good care of, and so that's a preview of how I'm gonna be taking good care of you too-only not in a brotherly fashion. :)
12. I have a Mom who is dying for me to give her a grandchild. Don't get me wrong. Eventually I would want to have kids too. Preferably within wedlock. But let's not talk about kids, que sera sera...
13. I have  a good command of the English vocabulary so when I introduce you to my friends I'm not going to merely refer to you as my boyfriend. I'm gonna say "Meet ___, he's Rich!" See, my Thesaurus is up to date. I'm kidding I told you I was funny! And then when we fight you wouldn't only get to hear English cuss words, but you're gonna hear a lot of expletives even Manay Lolit Solis would shudder to hear. Plus the fact that I can cuss in Filipino, English, Ilocano and Ibanag. Take your pick honey. I never said I was born a lady.
14. I am a HUG-WHORE. So anytime you need human warmth and human touch, honeeeey, let's get physical?! (yes, hear me purrr!)
15. I am clingy when I want to be clingy. But I am also independent. Lest you go thinking I will be destroyed and break down in case we break-up, no I won't. I've lived without a man in my life the past 32 years, what makes you think I can't live without you? I'd cry, I'd be devastated. I'd put ASSHOLE in your middle name, but given time I will move on. Because I am strong and independent
16. I have great friends who love me and I like spending time with them. Before you go thinking you can't stand being with whiny bull-headed women , nope, you won't be invited when my friends and I go out. I can't share them with you. Our time together is sacred, besides, you don't really want to hear about their babies and their sex lives do you? And I expect the same from you. You can hang out with the boys. You can go drink with them, if you decide to go whoring with them, at least try to get protected. And I do expect you to go drinking with the boys, so never expect me to report to you what drink I had too. Do not expect me to tell you all my whereabouts, but don't worry, you're probably going to see it on Facebook anyway.

          FYI: Yes I drink, but not that much. Just when I feel like it which isn't most of the time. When I drink I
          dance wild. Errr, lucky you.

     17. I'm not a shoe person. So lucky you! But I have a thing for bags. Unlucky you!

     18. I'm very jealous but I tend to keep it to myself. But sometimes when I can't, expect me to throw
          caution to the wind and to tell you to fuck-off. Lucky you, that can probably feed your already over-
          sized ego.
     19. You're my first boyfriend/fling/flame/love of my life. So don't go breaking my heart.
     20. You're lucky I'm crazy in love with you. And when I say I love you, there's only you- you
           lucky  son  of a bitch! :)
          
                                                                                                        Love,

                                                                                                        A.











 






  

CONFESSIONS OF A TEENAGE DRAMA QUEEN



WARNING: This is a confession of a teenage pudgy drama queen who's really queer. So unless you want to remember what a nightmare your own high-school was, stop reading this rubbish. This isn't for you, go read your own copy of Johanna Lindsey, Cosmopolitan or FHM, because I'm telling you, I don't paint Megan Fox in your dirty imagination with this post. Capisce? :)

For some people, high-school was a nightmare they can't bear to remember. For me, it was bliss. :)


High- school in the province was fun. I lived by P18 a day in school and my huge appetite couldn't handle the stress of a measly sum so I always had headaches because I was always hungry and I was poor. Ugh, go figure! My sunshiney , bubbly 10,001 words-a-minute gave me some kind of "popularity." That and the fact that I was talented, and i hang-out with the coolest kids in school. (Yebah!)


One of my fondest memory in high-school was performing infront of a crowd to the tune of Smokey Mountain's "Paraiso" doing a music-in-motion. Yours truly was the lead. I was dressed or undressed to the nines. I played the role of a scavenger ergo taong grasa and i rocked my dirty-foul-rat-infested costume!Oh by the way, did i mention i was an exhibitionist? The icing on my cake was eating spoiled spaghetti beside a dead bird during the performance. Yes, i lived-up to my role!I had to, i was the best actress! Nyahahaha!


It was also in high-school that I had so many crushes, Oh dear gaaad I was such a whore?! I'm kidding! I had too many of them I can't remember their names now, or why for the love of God did I went gaga over them?


But there was this one boy. His smile was the cutest. I was in my first year, and he was a senior. He was tall, fair-skinned and he had the nicest dimples when he smiled. But he wouldn't even look my way nor give me the time of the day because he was too engrossed with his own lovelife that doesn't include me. (this is the moment to play Taylor Swift's high-schooley juvenile songs) But then one day he did, notice me, I mean. It was, i think, in the afternoon after class. My friends and I were hanging out in the hallway when he passed by. He , of course , wouldnt look at me. (By the way, I was short, 140 to 155 lbs, fair skinned, obnoxious, bully and well, I wasnt exactly a Miley Cirus look-alike then) My friend and I were walking along the corridor when bam! my cute heavy ass and I were on the floor. I was sprawled all over FROG-FREAKIN-STYLE! for the world to see! He was right in front of me, and Lord knows I flashed him my yellow-colored So-en panties!I wish i could have flashed him my gorgeous smile instead, but nope, not me, it had to be my panties. Dear Lord, why didn't you just kill me, or better yet, why couldn't i have worn sexy black panties instead?hahahaha!Boofreakinhoo!


Fastforward to the JSProm. I didn't go on a diet for that. I preened and I preened infront of the mirror, but to no avail, I didn't lose weight. It was a great night, aside from the fact that I had to ride the tricycle to get to the School gymnasium. No, don't be snob and judge me and my lifestyle then. It's not jologs, instead let's use the politically correct term, yes, it was very "down to earth," darlings. When i got there the air was filled with anticipation. The girls looked a lot like baby Debbie Gibson, and the boys tried hard to catch some of Vanilla Ice's coolness. Haha! The young couples stayed true to love, they danced and stared long and deep into each other's eyes, drinking at the sight of their partners, promising happily-ever-after. And I? Well, I sat there in my frilly lacy dress looking like a beautiful wallflower. I vaguely remember anyone asking me for a dance. Either the boys were too busy chasing after their crushes, or they had no taste, or...or they were busy in the boy's room staring and admiring how good they looked in their dress shirts and necktie. Teeeheee!


So yes, I would grudgingly admit I was that wallflower in high-school. But lest you go crying for me Argentina, no don't. It was a drama-filled four years of my life, but one I wouldn't trade, not for anything, in this world.


So many things have changed after high school. Many have gotten married, and those that aren't are trying desperately to convince the married ones that we, our kind? We are fabulous without the diapers, the dirty socks of the husband on the floor, and without the fear of infidelity breathing down our necks.


I'm still that girl in high-school, a klutz, hypocrite, loudmouth and a lot crazier.


But...


If you look my way now, I'd PROBABLY look and stare back at you, and PROBABLY flirt with thine eyes. (eeeek!)


If you ask me to perform "Paraiso" again I would probably do it in a heartbeat, one that would make Urian proud.


If you ask me to dance now, I wouldn't only dance the polka with you, I'd give you a pole dance, one that would leave your mouth hanging open. But first, you have to pay for my Pole-dancing lessons! Now, we're talking...:)


If I fall flat on my face right infront of you now, I'd die inside, you'll probably laugh at me, but I'd make sure ,honey, in case I flash again, I'd make sure I'm wearing sexy black panties just so I can save up some of that Ibanag pride!


See, it wasn't so bad. :)